Recently, this song became even more personal to me because I discovered a secret about someone who is very, very close to me. A secret that rocked me to my very core. I have also seen a facet of someone's personality that I never knew existed. Of course, these events got me to thinking about those select parts of ourselves, or tidbits of information that each and every one of us chooses to keep hidden. Those things that may shock, that may cause heart-ache, or even secrets that may devastate those that are closest to us.
So, I challenge you this, my dear readers: TELL ME YOUR SECRETS. Post them in comments. ANONYMOUSLY OF COURSE. No one is to attach their name to their words. (To further preserve the identity of each confessor, I will also be turning off my email alerts for comments, just in case. )
Free your soul of it's burden if only for the few moments that it takes to type the words. Purge your guilt and tell me everything. Then, read your peers' confessions and know that you are not alone, because we all have our little secrets. Yes, my pets, all of us, myself included. The title of my blog was no accident, afterall. So, I, too will post my secret(s), anonymously of course.
Chances are I won't be posting tomorrow. I want to give the blogosphere time to really soak this in. So, in honor of both this post and Wiggle-Iggle (Early) Friday, I present this to you. Enjoy it...and then spill your heart to me.
94 comments:
I had an abortion that rocked my very world. I've never forgiven myself and then my son died and everything inside of me knows that it was my punishment.
The sheer tormenting guilt of it all makes me feel like my insides are cut in two.
I've never told anyone this.
I've dated more than one married man. Granted, the marriages were well on their way out, but not "enough" out that we could be open about our relationship. I am not the mistress type, and I am not proud.
I hate myself in a physical sense so much. I feel like a 'damaged' sofa at the outlet store.
From far away it looks pretty and pleasing, but close up it's just horrible and should have been thrown away if the first place. It's marked down from $2,000 to $150 - that's me.
I think it comes from my dad calling me fat/chunky/chubby growing up and other family members saying things now like, "She was tiny, like how you used to be...no offense."
Was that when I was a full fledged anorexic or when I partied every night for a year and my diet consisted of coke, ecstasy and booze?
I hate myself from my head all the way down to my toes. Perhaps the insides of my wrists are the only thing not flawed about me.
I tell my kids 40,000 times a day how beautiful they are because I don't wish this constant self-hatred on even my worst enemy.
I had an abortion and have never regretted it. I'm posting anonymous anyway, though, to hold back the anti-choice freaks who would go nutso on me. I've also had a miscarriage, and even though I carry some sadness about it, it was the best thing at the time.
The miscarriage was a lot more painful than the abortion, both emotionally and physically.
I got married too young. And even though I wouldn't change the "now" for the world, I resent not getting to have time to just be ME, alone, singular.
I think my husband has erectile dysfunction but I don't know how to tell him to see a doctor. I hate having sex with him because I feel like it's not worth my time.
Oh. My. God. This is so awesome Lunanik.
I will come back later tonight after a glass of syrah to post mine.
:)
um. i really don't have a secret. i'm an open book. i'll try to think of something dark and hidden throughout the day, but i think i'm s.o.l.
I once had an affair with a co-worker. It was short lived, but it did happen. Everytime my DH's cell phone rings and he gets a strange look on his face, I fear someone has found out and called him. I will never, ever find peace with myself because of this. I will also never, ever cheat again.
I sometimes fantasize about dying. I think of how much happier my kids will be without my stress-out grumpy ass harping on them all the time to settle down, eat vegetables, brush their hair. Sometimes I verbally abuse them when I'm really out of it, and I've said horrible things.
I also think my husband, bless his precious heart, deserves a far better wife than me. Not a day goes by when I don't find something about myself that I loath. It's harder to find something about myself that I DO like.
But if I tell anybody, they will correct me, tell me I'm wrong. Tell me they 'know me better', and I wither up inside. If you saw me at home you would not believe I was the same person. Seriously.
What hurts the most is when I try to show people my bad side, and they poopoo it away as if I'm crazy for having faults of my own, and for owning up to them. So I have perfected the art of pretending I am fine.
I have a sister whom I have never met who was given up for adoption. I think I know who she is, but I have no proof. I want to contact her but some of my family doesn't know about it so I'm leaving it alone for now, though I desperately want to know her.
Nik, what a cool idea!! You rock. I might have a secret or two myself, but I'll post it later. How interesting to read everyone else's secrets, too!!
The whole time I was cheating on my ex, I hoped he would catch me. He didnt and I left him. Now he sees me for the first time in 10 years and unfortunately for him, its too late. I'm still with the guy I cheated with and it was the best choice I ever made.
Wow girl, this is awesome. You might start a movement here!
I met a guy online and fell in love with him. We talked off and on for years. I never met him for real and it's over now, but I still think about him sometimes. It would kill my hubby if he found out. You see I love my husband very much as a person but I'm not sure if I'm still in love with him. But we'll stay together anyway because that's just what people do in my family.
i'm the one that sent hate mail to karen @ lyrics of my life. i'm sorry i did it. i don't hate her. i was just jealous coz i think shes a really good writer and everyone likes her.
When I was a teenager I worked for a dry cleaners. I used to short the receipts and there would be about $30 left over in the register. So I would "even" it up. I was really easy and I never got caught. To this day, 20 years later, I feel guilty about it all the time, and I really wish I could repay the man who owned it. I don't think he ever found out. And I NEVER told anyone...till now.
Whoa-intense. I completely agree that we ALL have our secret sides that no one else knows about. My uncle's dad was a traveling salesman who had 3 families. They all found out about eachother at his funeral!
As for my secrets-sure I have them...lots of them, but I'll never tell!
I got a tattoo yesterday...and I spelled the words wrong! (I'd post unanon but my husband doesn't want ppl to know the misspelling..because he has the same one!)
Oh, and I used to hate myself a lot, always and forever. But I've really been letting go of that. The past is the past and letting it lord over us only gives it power to keep us down. Fight back!
W to the HOA. I'm like, whoa! Karen's hate mailer actually wrote it here. That's pretty fucked up dude. She is among us.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be single again, but am so afraid of divorce I see myself as a widow and not an ex.
I'm part of an abusive relationship.
Oh man. I am checking in again. This is intense. And Karen's hater left you a comment. SHE must read you. Yikes!
I really think that THIS is brilliant. It is really genius. Brilliant!
Kudos to you Nik.
I got arrested last year due to a bad check. I went in in the morning, stayed overnight and got out the following afternoon.
It was horrible, worse than any nightmare. I thought my husband had just left me there, I thought my family hated me. My kids don't know, my friends don't know. It was totally awful.
When I was single, before I met DH, I had a fling with a married man. He also happens to be my best friend's EX-husband.
He's now divorced from the girl he was married to during our fling. He cheated all the time, and their marriage was a joke, but that doesn't make what I did any better.
My best friend still doesn't know. He's still in her life, they have a son together, who looks just like his dad, and I see him several times a year. It's....weird. But, it was the best sex I've ever had, and totally what I needed at that point in my life, and I wish I regretted it more than I did.
Oh, wow!
This is totally incredible, amazing, and the best post ever.
WOW!
I hate that my mother in law lives with us. She moved in right after we got married. She had a heart attack and needed someone to care for her. I know it is selfish but I felt like she was robbing my marriage. I resentted her for a long time - I feel guilty about it. She is a wonderful woman. Life just isnt fair.
hey nikki! what a fantastic post and idea here. loving this. thanks for the great comments on my bloggy lately. you are a riot. your post is making me think girl. happy friday, kathleen :)
Nik, what an awesome idea! I've got to dig deep and get a bit drunk ... I'm an excellent one a burying.
You're brilliant, my friend.
I have cheated on my husband. He's the most amazing man ever and I am so ashamed of what I did. I too fear that every time his phone rings and he gets a funny look on his face that it's someone calling him to tell him about it.
I had an abortion when I was 18, and I still haven't forgiven myself for it.
Recently I defended a mother who was ripped apart for complaining about how tired she was as a SAHM. Her attacker was vile, ruthless, and a downright bitch. She (the offender) was upset because SAHM's should realize what a blessing it is be able to stay at home with their kids.
I defended the mom, and cut the offender down to size. Now I find out later that the offender might have been a divorcee. Do I feel bad? Actually, no. Sure, she had a point, we should appreciate the blessings in life, but she had abso-fucking-lutely no right to step up on that soapbox and lash out like she did.
Why bother being anonymous a second time? The first time I used a fake name. (while defending, that is)
I know who Sue is talking about and saw the comment she made.
And I'm going to not Anonymously tell her I thought it was pretty crappy.
Not her thoughts but the words she used.
It kind of hit home for me too.
I'm glad you being honest Sue. No one will hate you for how you feel and I just wanted to let you know that even though it wasn't directed at me, it hurt my feelings and I would NEVER hold that against you.
:)
Miss Lunanik, you rock!
I was raped by three guys when I was 13. I ended up pregnant. I attempted suicide and ended up killing the baby in the process.
I've never told a soul. Not even my husband.
My husband carried on an affair with my ex best friend, via myspace and email. They went so far as to try and plan a time to fuck. I found out by hacking her myspace one day. Our marriage was almost dissolved because of it. The friendship was, but the marriage has endured. I forgave him, but I will never forget.
Well, I'm glad you're being honest too, Betsey. I wasn't trying to offend anybody, I was trying to get the point across that motherhood can be difficult now matter how you go about it.
I've been a single working mother, a married SAHM, and both. I am here from the time the kids wake up until they go to bed, 9 hours of it alone. Then I'm off to work third shift while everybody is asleep. It feels insulting to think that any mother, whatever choices or circumstances she's made in being a mother, should be made to feel like she's done something wrong by admitting fallibility. I will always stick up for my right to be human, and for everybody else's.
Sure, had I know that LB was a single working mother I might have worded my comment differently, but the point would have been the same. She's got more options than she thinks, and I still don't think it was right of her to lash out at somebody because they felt a little down-n-out in life.
I won't write any more about this, sorry.
I was in an abusive relationship for 2.5 years in college. My husband and my best friend know.
My husband doesn't know how much debt we have.
One of my closest friends husband's had sex with a prostitute on the night of his bachelor party and never told her. (As far as I know). I hate knowing and not telling her.
I will have to come back and tell you my secrets....even though I really don't have any juicy ones b/c I tell it all!
I'm sure I can come up with something though!
You are so freaking awesome though!!! Love ya girl!
Two years ago on a very drunk New Year's Eve I fooled around (no sex/ as if that makes it better) with one of my husband's friends...and his wife! Although I confessed the next morning to some of the details (of course nothing that would be too bad but made me feel a little better) it eats me alive everyday. I feel like I made an extrodinary marriage ordinary. My husband is an amazing patient man and terrific father. I am the luckiest women in the world and can not imagine what on earth I was thinking/not thinking. The irony of it is I think my husband might know more than I told him but since he is so amazing he has forgiven me and does not dwell on it. There are times though when I think he might be cheating on me and I think I am only imagining this because of what I did.
It is really awful to see the other couple at parties and events.
With this secret of mine I wonder if he has one too?
I frequently find myself thinking that I'm not in love with my husband anymore and it doesn't really upset me.
When my dog was a puppy I abused him out of frustration. I broke his leg. To this day he limps and only my husband knows why.
The incident sent me to therapy. I have dealt with my issues and faced my darkest side. I am not that person anymore.
God, do we have some secrets or what?!?!
Thanks Luna for letting us air....
My DH's cousin is a drug addict. His wife is thisclose to leaving him and so he has made an effort to make things better by going out with her on weekends rather than drinking and drugging at the local bar with his buddies.
The problem is this: in an effort to assure that she remains in a good mood all evening, and is too messed up to keep a close eye on him (while he gives the bartender his phone number), he slips a half a tab of ecstasy in her drink.
I know this because he told my DH.
If I tell the wife, her husband will know who the information came from. I'm torn. I don't want to ruin the relationship my DH has with his family, however, what is going on is just wrong.
I know I should just mind my own business, but don't I have a moral responsibility to say something? What if she dies from this?
I know this isn't my problem to confess, but damn it feels good to get that out.
holy frick!44 and counting! not to totally ruin the confessional, but I have an award for you over at my place....
I've had five abortions over 15 years. I did three of them myself. I regret becoming pregnant, not terminating the pregnancies. The only guilt I feel is that I don't feel guilty. There must be something wrong with me.
I am loving reading all of these. This was an amazing idea!
When I was little, about 4 or 5, i was playing alone in the neighbor's backyard a few doors down. They had two baby ducklings in a pen. I played too rough I guess and held on to them so tight that I strangled them. I honestly don't think I meant to strangle them. I have felt horrible about this over the years ... but then I also think ... I was 4 or 5 and alone? Why was I alone in someone's backyard? Why wasn't anyone watching me? I was left alone a lot when I was little. I should not have been left alone and put into that position to cause death to those ducks. I never told this to anyone but it sickens me that I strangled two ducklings when I was little.
I canceled the life insurance on my husband and never told him why. I had to because I kept fanticizing often about him dying and how I would use the insurance money to get rid of debt and start over a new life. I still think about him dying but not as much.
My best friend and my husband both had the hots for each other very bad. It was so obvious and they both talked to me about it. I loved my female friend so much that I strongly encouraged both of them to have sex if they wanted to. I told them I was okay about it. I told them it excited me, too. Yes, it did a lot. But they did not have sex. They flirted and were silly friends together. They just stayed my friend and they kept it together and they got over how they felt about each other. I am still friends with this friend. We never talk about that time back then anymore. It was painful and awkward. She is still in my life and always will be. I don't know what I was thinking/not thinking then, but I loved them both so much, I wanted them to be happy.
I didn't think it was possible but I really think I no kidding 'fell in love' with someone else.
I am married and I fell in love with another guy on the INTERNET. I never met him in person, only saw his pictures, never talked to him on the phone. But his letters were so incredible. I felt like he was touching me through his words. He taught me to be passionate, more passionate than I thought I was capable of.
I never told him I fell in love with him. I just let it ease off. I still think about him probably way too much.
I can never tell my husband this. He would not understand how I could do this. I don't understand either. I never saw him, never was in the same room with him. But the hundreds of letters we shared were incredible. And they weren't raunchy either. They were beautiful, full of love and more. I can't delete them either, but I would be embarrassed if my husband saw them in my email account. But I want to keep them.
I miss him so much and so often have thought when someone was touching me, that I wish he was the one touching me. I wished it so much, I almost believed he was touching me.
I have thought so much how I wish I could live near him and be with him doing anything, but I can't. I have to let this feeling die and move on.
Until this experience, I never thought it was possible to feel this way about someone on the internet. And I can never tell him how I really fell in love with him. I just can't. I don't want him to know. I do but I don't. I was too afraid of scaring him away. And I was too afraid if I said that, that it would change things too much for us.
I feel like I cheated in a way because I gave of my heart and everything to another guy. I thought that cheating meant physical sex, but now I think physical sex is less emotional. Feeling so close to another guy when it is all words, emotions, feelings, that is so much. He got to me so bad. And it is hard to get him out of my thoughts, too.
I don't feel really sad that this happened. I guess I should feel guilty. I feel happy and excited that he helped me to become more passionate. But I miss him. How do you miss someone who you never kissed, caressed, and touched but you felt so close like you did? I felt more intimate and close with him than I ever did with someone in person. Sharing letters with him made shivers and more run through me.
I felt closer to him than I ever felt to any other guy in my life. And I loved finding this out about me. That I was capable of feeling this passionate about one guy.
I still want him so bad though, still want him so much it hurts. It hurts good and bad. But I have to shut it off. But still I want him so bad.
I could not tell him that I fell in love with him. I have never told a soul about this. It feels good to be able to talk about this finally.
My kids daddy is not who my kid thinks his daddy is.
I can't tell this to anyone because I don't want to be put in a hospital.
Often, alot, all the time, I wish I was DEAD! I do not like myself very much. I am miserable most of the time and I hate that I am still here. But I am not going to do anything to make me die. I am too chicken to cause my own death. But so often, I wish somebody else or God would take me out.
I think this so often, weekly at times. I am afraid to tell anyone that I really think this way. But I do feel this way and have felt this way most of my life.
I feel guilty for feeling this way.
My husband disgusts me. I cringe when he wants me to hug him, especially if his shirt is off.
At home, he runs around in his boxer underwear all the time and it is gross. He gained so much weight since we met. He has MORE THAN DOUBLED his complete body weight since we met.
I do not want to see him in only his underwear. He thinks it is funny to run around in just his underwear and I am more grossed out seeing him mostly naked throughout the house. He doesn't want to do hardly anything. He just wants to lay around and eat more.
I dream of leaving him often. I can hardly stand to touch him, any part of him.
I don't care anymore about practically everything and everyone. I feel numb and unfeeling and cold. I don't want to be bothered with anything. I just don't care and this scares me that I feel this way.
What a great idea, Luna! Thank you for doing this!
I hate when people ask for money on the internet. I hate when they have donate buttons. It makes me think less of them.
I agree about the donate button. It's really annoying.
Wow. This is THE BEST. I think one of the reasons I am in the profession I am in is because I love hearing other people's stories & deepest darkest secrets. Love it!
I know I'm thisclose to beginning an online affair with someone I've known IRL. I'm so desperate to feel loved (romantically) that I almost don't care. If I didn't truly care I wouldn't feel like I have to confess it.
Do what feels good to you that you think you can live with. You choose. You might find something inside you dying to get out because of the choice you make. You might awaken something inside you that you find peace with.
Recommend you talk to a trusted person in your life about what you are feeling. It might help you alot to come to terms with what to do.
Keep talking here as long as you need to. This might help so much, too, if you feel like you can't talk to anyone else yet about whether to start this on line affair.
I also despise the donate section on their blogs. I would never dream of asking for money on my blog. Never in a million years.
I can't handle blogs that have more than one new post per day. It drives me crazy. I often wonder why a person can't do one post of substance rather than four of crap.
I despise blogs that only have a lead-in on the reader. If I didn't love some of these people so damn much I would delete them. Why can't we read your entire post in the reader? What is the reasoning behind it?
I wish it was the good old days again when I read ten blogs consistently. I do not like my own blog growth. It scares me and worry about people starting to hate me and think I'm a bitch the way I think some uber-mommy bloggers are bitches. I'm starting to understand why people either love them or hate them.
It's so hard to live real life and keep up with so many comments and blogs. I wonder if some people spend all day long on their computers in order to hit and comment as many blogs as they do.
I often wonder what their kids are doing when the moms are on the computer all day reading blogs. Unless they are school age, I feel bad for the kids.
What does 'uber-mommy' mean?
How brave of everyone to post their secrets. Here is mine.
I lied to my husband about the number of men I've slept with. It is close to 50, I told him 4. He had only been with one other girl, and when we first got together, I was ashamed of my past. At this point, I should just tell him the truth. We have been married for over 8 years. But, I just can't. Who gets hurts with him not knowing, right?
You do not have to tell him more about what happened BEFORE you met him. If you slept with 50 guys since you married him, that would be different.
I am not proud of how I experimented with being drunk and having lots of sex with different guys before I met my husband. Even though I remember and hurt over it at times, I forgave myself long ago. We all have things we have to work out of us at certain times in our lives. And often, it is the time before we marry for the first time or more, that we experiment the most. Love yourself now, for who you have grown into, not for who you grew away from.
Stop beating yourself up about what you did BEFORE you met him. You are in a loving relationship now, for 8 years now. Why does he need to be hurt by what went on BEFORE he knew you.
We all have pasts that at times we are not proud of. But most of us have learned something from them. We have grown and changed and found out what mattered to us.
It serves you no good to keep hurting yourself over what went on before him. Forgive yourself and let go.
It felt good to say it here. Let this be your confessional. Why hurt him with this? It never had anything to do with him or while you knew him. Love yourself. Let you off the hook. Free yourself.
Uber :: The ultimate, above all, the best, top, something that nothing is better than. Also Über
I feel bad for children who are home while their mothers spend all day on their computers trolling for readers and comments. It's fucking sad. Are they raising themselves? If the writing was that fucking interesting and worth reading, they wouldn't have to hunt down new people to read it.
To the poster who confessed to the numb and cold feeling - I know exactly how you feel. I spent months just lying on the couch with no energy to do anything. I didn't care about anyone else - apathy was my only friend. I found help in a wonderful counselor and along with he and my doctor, I am now functioning very well on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I encourage you to see help, it's out there. You deserve more in this life!
Thank you. I am the one who wrote the numb and cold confession. It comes and goes. I have been on meds at times in my life, different meds, and it didn't change anything. I felt the same from time to time no matter if I took the meds or not. So, I don't want meds. I want to feel the me that I am.
What helps me is to talk it out with someone I trust. That does help me. So I do that. But I don't tell my husband because he can't handle it.
I don't want to worry him about something that he doesn't want to talk about. And I don't want to go there with him.
It comes in and out of my life. And I keep going on. I will never do anything to take myself out. But sometimes, often, I wish I could be gone already. But something and someone I care about always brings me back around.
Thank you for your comments. They do help.
I love my husband and I have never cheated on him. And he has sex with me and he is wonderful and loving.
But I masterbate alot! He doesn't know I do this. I am too embarrassed to tell him I do this often. ALOT! I usually do this when he takes a shower, or is on an errand away. I don't want to cheat on my husband with another man (deep down I really do, but I won't). But I masterbate alot and I think about having sex with other people when I pleasure me. I don't want to stop and I don't think I can stop. And I don't feel guilty. Feels good to confess this the first time here. Can anyone relate to this? Does anybody else?
"...trolling for readers and comments. It's fucking sad. Are they raising themselves? If the writing was that fucking interesting and worth reading, they wouldn't have to hunt down new people to read it."
I completely agree with the children raising themselves part, however, the "trolling" part was completely out of line. Why would you consider reading a blog and commenting on it, trolling?
TROLLING:
Being a prick on the internet because you can. Typically unleashing one or more cynical or sarcastic remarks on an innocent by-stander, because it's the internet and, hey, you can.
Even is this chick meant trolling as in fishing, that's still pretty lame. I would never consider a new reader and commenter to be trolling unless it was straight up spam.
It's the fucking internet people. RELAX.
To anon 3/23 @ 2/16 pm:
Although I can't relate I don't think it's odd at all. You were just blessed with an extremely high sex drive.
I think it takes an incredible person to have the desires that you do, to admit temptation, but to resist it. You have wonderful strength of character.
My only advise would be to get as much lovin' as you can from your husband. Other than that, enjoy yourself!!
I am anon 3/23 @ 2/16 pm.
To anon 3/23 @ 7:07 pm:
Thank you for saying this last message to me. I feel like I should feel guilty and that there is something wrong with me because I masterbate so much, but I will never cheat on my husband as long as I am with him. I always want so much more than he can give me in bed. I always feel hungry for more and can never satisfy that hunger.
Thank you for saying these things. I do not feel strong but you are helping remind me of what I haven't done in person with anyone even though I have this extremely high sex drive. Your comment helps me to not feel nearly as screwed up in the head over this. I will take your advice.
I am leaving my husband next year for a man I am having an online relationship with. We are meeting IRL in about 5 weeks, and I do plan on sleeping with him. If my husband were not a verbally abusive asshole I might feel guilty.
I was molested by a neighbor when I was 10.
I had an abortion when I was 18 and don't feel guilty about it anymore.
I've fooled around (but not slept) with a married man
When I was single, I lived with three guys (it was innocent). One of the roommate's married brother visited him (while on the road, he was a truckdriver). While the brother was in town, he and I had an affair for those few days. I never had sex with a married guy before. I knew it was wrong but I still wanted to do it then. I regret my decision then.
And then awhile later, the roommate got married, so his married brother and his wife and their two little kids came to the wedding. I felt awful being at the wedding with them, knowing what I had done. I also figured that the married guy probably cheated on his wife all the time. I felt really bad for her and their kids. Never did that kind of behavior again with a married guy.
Another note and it is petty. The married guy was a joke in bed and his penis was small, too. What a let down all around. Not proud of this experience and it wasn't even fun either. Never told anyone about this until this confessional.
In a marriage, sex with some guy who is not your husband is cheating.
But isn't 'fooling around' with another also considered cheating?
Early in my marriage, I was on a business trip for work. A lot of us from my group were swimming in the hotel's outside pool one night after our work was done. Two of us stayed after in the pool for a long time talking and swimming. He was married, too. He was sexy, handsome, and nice bod, too. I was flattered that he invited me to his hotel room to have sex. His room was on the ground floor and the patio door opened up to the pool area. He wanted me to just leave the pool and go over to his hotel room and have sex. Nobody would've known. Everybody else from the group had already left the area for the night. It was past midnight and we were still alone at the pool area talking about this and goofing around in the pool. My husband at home never would've known. I was so tempted and I thought it would be easy to get away with. I remember looking longingly at his hotel room and thinking about doing it. I wanted to have sex with him, too, bad. I was seriously tempted. But I decided not to. I felt guilty at times over the years because I even talked about having sex with that man. I felt guilty because I wanted to have sex with him. But I didn't do it. But it would've been so easy to get away with. I am glad I didn't do him. I didn't think I could live with myself if I cheated.
I'm scared to cook risotto.
I slept with my best friend's (at the time)husband. She was 8 months pregnant.
I had attended her baby shower earlier that day.
She never found out, but we grew apart as a result of my guilt. To this day I blame her husband for it, and the demise of our friendship. I think he is a disgusting pig, and I have no doubt he cheats on her continually.
I had an affair while I was married to husband #2; well, when I was drinking a lot, I had one-night-stands a couple of times, but hey, that doesn't count because I was drunk. All of the time. Anyway-I had a long-term affair even after getting sober; fell in love with the guy and everything, even though it goes against everything I believe about marriage and fidelity. Doesn't matter that the ex had mutiple affairs, including one which gave me a lovely STD which caused me to go into labor at 33 weeks and almost killed me and the baby. It was still wrong. The hard part for me is that I am convinced deep down inside that the reason I can't find a man who will love me is because of this; God is punishing me for this, and other careless attitudes about sex in the past, and it is my penance to be alone when all I want, ever wanted, was to be married to someone eho loves me and whom I can truly love in return.
i had sex with a female one night and a male the next. my husband and i were seperated at the time, and he now knows, but it still eats me alive to know that i did this to him without getting divorced first. we try not to talk about it, but when we do, he still considers it as 'when i was cheating on him'.
when i was about 4 yrs old, i was left alone at a day care as one of two kids the last to be picked up. when my mom came to get me, the owner and my mom found me with the other kid-who was probably only 2 yrs old- and i was spanking him and telling him how bad he was. who runs a business like this? i think that was the last time i was watched by them.
p.s.
it was also the same day care that forced me to eat some food i hated. i told them i couldn't eat baked beans, and they didn't believe me. i ended up throwing it up, and they made me clean up my own mess- at only 4 yrs old.
this is awesome! very heartfelt and cleansing!
i've told people i had cancer just to see their reaction and get some sort of sympathy. i left a couple of jobs using this same excuse. now whenever i see someone from my past that i've told this excuse to, i feel bad that i didn't go bald from the pretend chemo i was supposed to be taking.
To anon April 1, 2008 1:49 PM:
You were separated and not living as a married couple when you dated/had sex with those two people. Stop beating yourself up. During that time, you were not living as a married couple (again I say), you were allowed to date, so why are you hurting yourself over this? Try to let it go. Try to let yourself have permission to forgive yourself and move on. It is done and nothing good is coming from wallowing in this agony you are putting yourself through. Who knows if your husband has been totally honest with you. He might have dated others then, too, and he would have had every right to, too, because of the marital status at the time.
Next time he tries to slam you about what you did then, let him have it. Tell him that we were not living as a married couple then, you know this, so I dated others then, you could have, too, you might have and that's okay ...... and I would appreciate it if it stops here. You are doing us no good by how you keep bringing this up and hurting me/us. If you really wanted to work on our present marriage condition, you would let this go, so we can move on. All you are doing is hurting us and making me feel angry and sad. Something like that.
But it's got to stop if you and your husband are to move on in a positive way from this point forward. But it can be done. Good luck, another anonymous
I know, KNOW, that probably none of you want to hear this, but I physically couldn't go to sleep without letting you know that some one cares and that I'm praying you get comfort and peace along the way. I have my own secrets, too, so I'm not trying to be all holy or judgey or anything, but some of this is just breaking my heart and I needed you to know that I care.
Just putting some things out here, especially putting words to something for the first time ever, has felt peaceful to me.
Sometimes it is just enough to know that you got it off of your chest, even if it is just anonymously or maybe just one person knows and now you can talk through it in a caring safe trusting way.
I almost never have sex with my husband. It just never appeals to me. But I use my vibrator at least twice a week.
Sometimes I really regret getting married and having kids.
I have a lot of single friends or DINK (double income, no kids) friends and I ENVY them their time, their excess money, their lack of worry about anyone but themselves and their ability to just do things on a whim without worrying about babysitters or funds or time.
To Anonymous at May 27, 2008 1:55 PM
Me, too! But not all the time. If you took a poll, I bet a lot of us would say this maybe not all the time, but at times throughout this. So many times I have regretted that I married and had children. So many times I feel like I made a huge mistake and I feel like I have to live with it. But I don't feel like this always. Hang in there. Maybe when your kids are a little more able, you will feel a little better about what you have in your life. Enjoy yourself with them as you can.
Well i am very late but want to post this so that i can get some catharsis.
I have an irrational fear that everyone on the internet hates me, that from the get-go they just don't like me for no reason at all. I also feel the same about people I see in public, but it extends onto the internet as well.
I hate the fact that I don't like having sex with my husband, it disgusts me. I don't know how to approach it or how to make it any better because I have been with other men and don't enjoy it but I don't loathe it as much, even though I love him with all my soul.
I cannot stop lying to strangers I meet on airplanes or at the store. I sometimes lie on the internet, but only to those I don't feel are people I will like.
I totally feel the same way. I have an irrational fear that people hate me on the internet and that I come off as desperate trying to be their friends.
But my real confession is that my sibling died as a one year old from SIDS. At least that's the story I've heard all my life. I'm having serious clues that lead me to believe that my mother might have actually killed her. KILLED HER!!! I've been racked with guilt and horror over this. I know for a fact that she never wanted either one of us. And from the stories that I heard about my childhood (I blocked out so much, I don't remember hardly any of it), it makes me wonder how I survived?
Now I wonder, should I pursue this mystery or let it go? My instinct is to find out the truth. This would surely rip apart my family. I (almost) don't even care.
I cry often about this. But I can't tell anyone, because they might think I'm crazy. But if you met my family, especially my mother, you'd understand. Yet sometimes I think I'm going crazy.
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